6 months

It’s been six months without my brother.  Without a doubt, the most trying, difficult year of my life.  I guess I’m posting because I’m feeling so disconnected and alone.  Abandoned would be a good word.  Since my brother died, my friends have been out of contact almost entirely.  Maybe I’m being unrealistic.  I just assumed that someone would have contacted me just to see how I’m doing.  Shitty would be a good answer to that question just in case anyone was curious.  It’s just me out here… and I’m drowning.  A part of me wants to move home to Southampton to be near my friends and family. Then I remember the year that we were there and how no one ever got together anyway.  I guess I just gave up on being the one that makes the effort.  Being in NC reminded me of how much fun it is to have everyone around.  I felt hollow though.  I drove down dreading seeing everyone again.  And when I got down there, it was like nothing had changed.  No one asked about life outside of that weekend, which to me was a reaffirmation that I’m doing it on my own.  Sue said that everyone asked her how I was doing and how they were worried about me.  As nice as that is to hear… it’s just not enough.  Within a few hours of leaving, the resentment came back and I felt the same as when I was driving down.

How the hell am I supposed to deal with all this?  Take my father in law… cut my already shitty pay in half…take my job…take my brother, but all of it within a year?!?  How is anyone supposed to deal with that?  Meanwhile, everyone’s lives just keep on going, skating by no problem.  Buying cars and houses, having kids.  How the fuck am I supposed to deal with this.