Overturned Pictures

I’ve never felt so alone in all of my life. I miss my brother… I’m looking through these pictures and I can’t hold back my tears. There’s a picture of the two of us at Christmas. I must be two at the oldest and Phil’s sitting in my lap in front of the Christmas tree. I can’t look at it anymore. It still doesn’t seem real. I’m still expecting to see Phil at Christmas, or hear his car pull up the driveway. For anyone who doesn’t know, after years of pain and turmoil, my brother decided to take his own life last week. The last memories I have of him were at Thanksgiving. He had drank one of those 5 hour power energy drinks you by at the 7-11 and was hyper and playful all night that night. We had just gotten back to Pittsburgh when I got the call. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I was so excited to be his best man at his wedding. I couldn’t wait to let our kids meet Uncle Phil. I prayed for him so much, but apparently it wasn’t enough. So to sum up the year, Sue’s dad died totally unexpectedly, neither of us got teaching jobs, we both had to take huge pay cuts, Sue doesn’t have insurance so we can’t have kids, and my brother committed suicide. I think that qualifies as a shitty year. And I’m left with a pile of pictures turned upside down because I can’t stand to look at them without breaking down.