6 months

It’s been six months without my brother.  Without a doubt, the most trying, difficult year of my life.  I guess I’m posting because I’m feeling so disconnected and alone.  Abandoned would be a good word.  Since my brother died, my friends have been out of contact almost entirely.  Maybe I’m being unrealistic.  I just assumed that someone would have contacted me just to see how I’m doing.  Shitty would be a good answer to that question just in case anyone was curious.  It’s just me out here… and I’m drowning.  A part of me wants to move home to Southampton to be near my friends and family. Then I remember the year that we were there and how no one ever got together anyway.  I guess I just gave up on being the one that makes the effort.  Being in NC reminded me of how much fun it is to have everyone around.  I felt hollow though.  I drove down dreading seeing everyone again.  And when I got down there, it was like nothing had changed.  No one asked about life outside of that weekend, which to me was a reaffirmation that I’m doing it on my own.  Sue said that everyone asked her how I was doing and how they were worried about me.  As nice as that is to hear… it’s just not enough.  Within a few hours of leaving, the resentment came back and I felt the same as when I was driving down.

How the hell am I supposed to deal with all this?  Take my father in law… cut my already shitty pay in half…take my job…take my brother, but all of it within a year?!?  How is anyone supposed to deal with that?  Meanwhile, everyone’s lives just keep on going, skating by no problem.  Buying cars and houses, having kids.  How the fuck am I supposed to deal with this.

Overturned Pictures

I’ve never felt so alone in all of my life. I miss my brother… I’m looking through these pictures and I can’t hold back my tears. There’s a picture of the two of us at Christmas. I must be two at the oldest and Phil’s sitting in my lap in front of the Christmas tree. I can’t look at it anymore. It still doesn’t seem real. I’m still expecting to see Phil at Christmas, or hear his car pull up the driveway. For anyone who doesn’t know, after years of pain and turmoil, my brother decided to take his own life last week. The last memories I have of him were at Thanksgiving. He had drank one of those 5 hour power energy drinks you by at the 7-11 and was hyper and playful all night that night. We had just gotten back to Pittsburgh when I got the call. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I was so excited to be his best man at his wedding. I couldn’t wait to let our kids meet Uncle Phil. I prayed for him so much, but apparently it wasn’t enough. So to sum up the year, Sue’s dad died totally unexpectedly, neither of us got teaching jobs, we both had to take huge pay cuts, Sue doesn’t have insurance so we can’t have kids, and my brother committed suicide. I think that qualifies as a shitty year. And I’m left with a pile of pictures turned upside down because I can’t stand to look at them without breaking down.

Update from the ‘burgh

We just got back from enjoying a relaxing Thanksgiving out in Philadelphia and are settling in for what’s bound to be a long cold winter.

Things have been up and down.  I found a job back in the beginning of October working for the North Hills School District.   I’m now the TA in the emotionally disturbed class of North Hills Junior High.  Not exactly a step up the job ladder.  On the plus side, I get some really great benefits (none for Sue) and I have guaranteed interviews for any elementary openings for next year.  Really, that’s the only reason I took the job.  It doesn’t pay enough to really support a family, and I don’t really teach - I basically babysit.  But I’m trying to make the best of it, forging new relationships and trying to reach out to the kids however I can.  Interviews are supposed to start in 2007 so hopefully I’ll know something before Christmas break.

Sue also found out a lot of her friends from college have moved back to Pittsburgh.  We had a chance to hang out last Saturday on the southside and had a great time catching up.  I think it was really nice for me to hang out with people who are also struggling.  I guess misery does love company.  It’s been tough talking to friends and family and getting the cheer up talks from people who’s lives are going well.  Like my dentist brother in law or my other friends with good jobs.  I don’t want to hear about how sometimes you have to work your way up the ladder, or that sometimes you need to play in the minors before you hit the big time.  I’ve worked my ass off to get where I was.  I held a teaching job and did a damn good job for over 4 years.  Please save your pep talks.  But as I was saying, it was great to hear others going through similar struggles.  I think Matt Davis summed it up best when he said it’s like a kick in the balls.  He was talking about his own struggles with his business degree and it was the honesty I needed to hear.  We’re not the only one who have been having a tough time after college.  Don’t get me wrong, I feel bad for these guys and their struggles and in no way am I happy that they’re struggling, it’s just nice to talk to someone who can relate to what you’re going through.  Also, now I’ve got people to play Rock Band with!

Some other random notes of interest

• Quit Warcraft
• Downgrading back to XP (I think…)
• Music - Architecture in Helsinki
• Steelers Fans = Insane
• Music - Cold War Kids= Amazing
• Music - New Rilo Kiley CD = Teh Suck
• Movies - Saw Rambo for the first time - Chest Hair Doubled in Length
• Books - Till We Have Faces - So far, so good
• Movies - Darjeeling Limited - Not playing in or around Pittsburgh…
• Culture - Bodies Exhibit at Carnegie
• Concerts - Peter Bjorn & John Dec. 3rd!
• Netflix - Lost Season 1, disc 2 (getting ready for season 4 in February
• Video Games - Super Mario Galaxy (89 stars and counting)
• Soda - Cherikee Red (limit of one per day)
• Flight of the Conchords - Episode 10 - New Fans
• Thanksgiving - Mashed Potatoes
• Office - Very Cold…
• Update - Done

Give Pete a Chance

I finally dragged my carcass over to the computer to update the blog. It’s been an odd two months. To be honest, I’ve been a bit bummed out. After submitting applications to every district in Allegheny, Beaver, Butler and Armstrong counties, I didn’t get a single interview for a teaching position. 4 years of experience, special ed. certification, working as a technology coordinator, giving in-service presentations, and designing my old district’s website amounted to absolutely nothing. I can come up with a million different reasons or excuses about why no one called me but I’m kinda past that now. Kinda. So I’ve been looking around the papers and online trying to find something that fits my skills. There have been a few interviews and a few places I’m excited about hearing back from, but until then, I’m unemployed, and it bites.

To help makes ends meet, I’ve been building and selling computers and trying to make the rounds here in Butler doing virus removal and stuff like that. Sue’s been working at Heinz as a research chemist and loves it. She was in the same boat that I was in - no calls for teaching interviews. Because she’s in industry though, she’s basically stuck as a temp for a year. After a year, she’ll hopefully be brought on as permanent, which would get her benefits and a chance for a raise.

Today I hope to finish up the daily job search process early (monster, careerbuilder, workpittsburgh.com, butler eagle classifieds etc…) and head down to Moraine State Park. Sue and I have been enjoying McConnells Mill State Park lately and have seen some beautiful sites that remind me a lot of home. Moraine is closer so I’m gonna check it out today and snap some pics that I’ll post up here. Hasta.

Oh, and the best show on TV is Flight of the Conchords, as illustrated by this song from episode 3.

Home!?!

Well, the last boxes have been unpacked and their contents put in the proper place.  Sue’s settled in nicely.  I think she’s really happy being around her family again.  I’m still trying to get used to calling Pittsburgh home.  Actually, we’re living in Butler right now.  It’s about 45 minutes north of Pittsburgh.

We’re staying up here temporarily for two reasons.  First, to take care of Sue’s mom.  Sue’s dad died pretty suddenly in January.  He was only 55 years old and the family has been devastated.    So hopefully having us around will make her feel a little bit better.  I’m glad to help out by doing things that Bob would have taken care of like mowing the lawn and cleaning out the rat traps from the attic.  We’re also up here while we look for jobs.  Sue was pretty adamant about coming out here as soon as we could, so we came up on faith with no jobs or even interviews.  That leaves us currently unemployed.  So staying here rent free is certainly a plus.  So we’ve been spending most of our waking hours looking for jobs.  There have been a lot of openings here for elementary teachers which has been nice for me, but so far there have been no interviews.  From what I’ve gathered, the teacher market is pretty flooded because of the number of colleges in the area.  I would think my years of experience would help me rise above the pack.  Time will tell.  Sue’s been really stressing because there have been no chemistry teacher positions to open up yet.  She’s looking all over for industry jobs as well.

The plan is once we both get jobs,  find a house in the area.  There are some beautiful homes we’ve been looking at, but we can’t decide on anything until we figure out where we’ll be working.

Maggie’s loving having a big fenced in back yard to run around in.  I’m loving not having to take her out on a leash anymore!  But I must say how much I’m missing my family back home.  It was great getting to know them as adults rather than parents or brothers.  As with everything else, that time ended sooner than I would have wished and I look forward to seeing them again.

And that’s what’s been going on.  Since I’ve got nothing else to do I’ll be on here a little more often to try to keep up with people.

What I want

When we moved to Delaware, we really weren’t part of a group.  We struggled to find a church where we felt comfortable without driving 45 minutes every day.  We didn’t really make too many friends and spent much of our time in what felt like exile.  We spent about half of our weekends up here in Philadelphia so we didn’t really get a chance to be a part of anything in Delaware.

Then we moved to Philadelphia and again, we really aren’t involved.  We decided to switch churches after The Well changed shifted their focus and setup and we started attending a huge church.  But again, we really don’t have a chance to be involved.

When we move to Pittsburgh, my goal is to be involved.  I want to be part of a small group and I really want to be part of a worship team again.  The solo thing is fun and very meaningful to me but I want to be involved.  I want to be part of a body.  I want us to commune with others and share in our struggles and celebrate our successes.

More than anything else, when we get to Pittsburgh, I want us to be involved in something bigger than ourselves.   I want to make a difference for Him and make him known while knowing and loving others with the same desires.

It’s been a crazy month.  Sue’s been sick a lot - allergies are pretty bad this season.  Plus - she’s been fighting this cold off for what seems like 3 years, and it’s finally caught up with her.  As a result, I’ve had a lot of free time just to do my own thing which has been interesting.  I’ve had a lot more time to play guitar, write songs and learn about who I’ve become.  God’s been giving me some really great insight into what makes me tick.  He’s shown me a lot of things that I really need to change and give up.  I don’t want to give these things up - I really enjoy them - but they’re not helping me.  I’ve kind of been re-assessing my faith.  I’m trying to turn my life around so that I’m not taking things at face value, but really searching in the scriptures for the truth.  Like my tattoos - rather than just listening to other people say it’s a sin or it’s not a sin, actually going and seeing what God has to say about things.

As much as I hate working for CCS, in hindsight it’s forcing me to do a lot of thinking.  For those who don’t know, I work at a Christian school teaching middle school.  Many of my kids aren’t Christians, but have Christian parents.  Talking to these parents has been eye-opening in a lot of ways.  I’m not really going to get into things but I’ve been raised as a first generation Christian.  My parents aren’t Christian so I’ve had to learn my own way around being a Christ follower.  Most of the people I work with would disagree with the way I live my life.  I drink.  I listen to non-christian music.  I believe in evolution.  These are all big problems according to some people I work with.  It’s led to some interesting conversations and left me labeled as the rebel.  I think it’s the spiky hair.

Being put in this position, I’ve found myself really examining what I believe and why I believe it.  Like why do I think it’s OK to drink beer when so many other’s don’t think it’s OK.  In doing all this self-examination, I’ve been asking lots of “dangerous” questions.  At the same time, I’ve been listening to a series from Mosaic entitled “Life’s Toughest Questions.”  One of the things I love about Erwin McManus is the fact that he’s so genuine and honest.  Some of the questions they’re tackling are - Does God Care? - Is Faith Non-sense? -  Is There a Hell? - which are all things I think I know and understand but was never sure why I believed them except - my pastor told me so.  I guess I really don’t have much of a point to these ramblings except to say that I’m constantly learning that faith is such a fluid thing.  I’m enjoying reexamining my faith and adjusting according to what God’s showing me.

But the year’s over in less than a month which is great.  This will be the first year though that I don’t get paid through the summer.  Part of the private school curse.  So I’m kind of freaking out that we’re hoping to buy a house in a few months and we’re moving to Pittsburgh this summer with or without jobs.  So we’ve been submitting applications and resumes and going on interviews but as of right now, we’ve got nothing for next year.  I’m trying to be faithful that we’ll get jobs but it’s so tough when you see jobs open and close and you don’t even get a call.  And it’s tough to look for a house on the internet and not be sure if you’re working 10 minutes or 80 minutes away from that house.

But on to more important things…

I finally went to see a concert.  After what seems like a 2 year dry spell of no live music, I went to see Ben Gibbard on Wednesday.  For those who don’t know, Ben is the lead singer for Death Cab for Cutie and the Postal Service.  He embarked on a month long solo-tour where he performed solo on the acoustic guitar and piano.  He brought along one of my favorite song writers - David Bazan.  So on Wednesday I ventured down to the TLA all alone.  You see, I ordered tickets online.  I went to get two tickets and it said two tickets were not available.  I double checked the the show was not sold out, so I tried again and again to no avail.  I decided to try to order one ticket and it let me buy my ticket.  Within seconds of me buying my ticket, the show was announced as sold out.  So I bought the very last ticket available.  But I had to go all alone.  It’s OK though, Sue actually had an interview in Pittsburgh that same day so she couldn’t have gone even if she wanted to.  I got there about half way through David Bazan’s set which was OK because, frankly, his new stuff sucks.  Ben came out with a Donovan cover which led into a Postal Service cover.  He continued the night with a great mix of new DCFC stuff, old DCFC stuff, TPS stuff, solo stuff and covers.  It was kind of like a Dashboard show though - everyone was singing along to every song - loudly!  He pulled out some interesting covers including an acoustic version of Thriller to end the night and a piano version of All Apologies.  In the end, I think that about half of the songs translated to the solo acoustic setting and the other half were just kind of awkwardly performed.  (Soul Meets Body was played on piano and slowed to a funeral march pace - not fitting to the song)  But it was just nice to be out seeing some live music again.  The move out to Pittsburgh is going to suck because bands don’t really like to tour Pittsburgh the same way they do Philly so my choices will be limited.

OK - off to take care of Sue and write some songs.  Talk to you soon!

Candy Mountain!

Nerd Drama

Most of you guys know that I play this game - World of Warcraft.  It should basically be called “World of Kiss your life goodbye and sell your belongings because you’ll never stop playing this game ever craft”  It’s basically crack in digital form.  You play with people from around the world and kill dragons and crap.  The fun comes in working with anywhere from 5 to 40 other people to accomplish things you couldn’t do on your own.  So you join a guild - just a fancy name for a team that plays together.   I’ve been part of my guild for about a year and a half now.  Lately though the people I play with have been not so much fun to play with anymore.  I’ve developed some really neat relationships in the guild but I think it’s time for me to move on to a place where I actually have fun when I play (which hasn’t been happening).

So I’ve decided to apply to a new guild at the suggestion of my friend Paul.  We’ll see what happens but it’s actually kind of fun trying to apply to this new guild while not letting the old guild find out so they don’t kick me out.  Applying to a guild is like a job interview.  You submit your application to the guild, the leaders discuss it, sometimes they talk to you in game and ask that you run something with them.  It’s kind of funny when I think about how nerdy it is.  But hopefully by week’s end I’ll have an answer and Diedrich (Level 70 Dwarf Warrior) will have a new home!

Please don’t make fun of me to my face…

Post-Spring-Break

Spring break came and went like a summer wind and left us cold and desiring more…

Sue travelled out to Pittsburgh to hang with her mom because she had off all week last week.  I had to work though so I had the house (and dog…) all to myself for a week.  It’s the first time since we’ve been married that I’ve had free reign for such a long time.  As much as I missed Sue, I got to play guitar really loud and spread out in bed.  I actually made it a point to occupy as much of the bed real estate as possible. 

On Saturday my dad took us out to a Thai restaurant in Newtown and Sue really liked it.  I mean really liked it.  So much in fact that after Easter dinner (around 2PM at my house) we actually had to order take-out from them.  They were the only store open in the complex.  It was a bit too boring for me.  I was expecting lots of fun crazy spices that I couldn’t pronounce and were too hot for human consumption.  We got peanut sauce and a regular szechuan sauce.  It was OK.

Also, I built my first computer this weekend which was fun until I went to install Vista and have had nothing but headaches since.  Itunes and bitdefender cause BSOD’s all the time.  I gave up on itunes because it wouldn’t even work 30 seconds before crashing my system and I had to get rid of bit defender because i coudn’t even boot up properly without getting a BSOD.  So I’ve switched over to Songbird or WMP  - I haven’t decided which one to use yet.  I need to get my videos of It’s always sunny in Philadelphia to play on something else besides itunes. 

So this week, it’s back to the grind - but only 9 weeks or so left befofre school’s over.  We’re still looking for jobs in Pittsburgh - nothing yet, but hopefully over the next few weeks we can nail down some interview times and maybe some offers.  We’re getting a bunch of hits for homes but can’t talk seriously about them until the jobs fall into place so it’s just a tease now. 

Rosie Thomas and Denison are playing at the World Cafe this Saturday and I really want to go but Sue’s mom is coming out for the weekend and I’ve got a feeling Sue’s not going to want to ignore her mom to see Rosie with me.  I don’t know if I want to go solo or just bag it.

So if anyone wants to give me a call this weekend - I’ll probably have lots of free time (when I’m not melting faces with guitar hero that is)